I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
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Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit