I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
thoughts?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
one of
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Nose
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point