I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
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Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards