I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
You Might Also Like
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol