I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.