Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Previously On Persistence 😎

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Ion see the issue

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

[I’m happy we’re getting fried chicken] “Let’s get chicken-faced!”

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Genie: You have three wishes.

Me: First, I would like a time machine.

*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*

Genie: You have three wishes.