Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.