Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.