I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
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Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Sunday
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.