i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
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Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩