i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
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My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.