Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

so weird how every mom was born today

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*