I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
My blood type is b hungry.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.