I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
dutch so unserious
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
