I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
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Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.