I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
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If you are reading this then you are reading this
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
