I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
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Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.