I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
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Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Seas the day!!!!
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.