Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

Me: Doc, I hurt my back.

Dr: What happened?

Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…

Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

I’ve been lied to my entire life

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.