Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”

Me: “I said that?”

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

some things should go without saying

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.

As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure