I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
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Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Tough love is true love
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants