I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
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My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods