I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
the council will decide your fate
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*