I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.