“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
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I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Coffee for people with no kids
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send