“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
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I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
“you look easy to draw”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.