I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
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Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
The worst thing you can do while cleaning is sit down for a minute 😭
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning