Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

New Year’s hottest club is…Staying the Fuck Home. This place has EVERYTHING! Cheap drinks. Heavy pours. Your favorite spot on the couch. No bathroom lines. No cover for ladies (masks & bras not required). VIP fridge access. Live performances by you staring at your phone & MORE!

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

How to draw a duck

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…