I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
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I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
😼🖥️
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Love this one 😂🧟
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.