Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Bringing home a sharpie

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.

Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

my nickname in college

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago