I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
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My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Look Ma, no handle on things
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.