Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am