I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
🤣🤣
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all