I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
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[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire