I’m a self-made hundredaire
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I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!