I’m a self-made hundredaire
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Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
when someone compliments me
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right