I’m a self-made hundredaire
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Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?