Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.