I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
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I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it