Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.