Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

Inside you there are two wolves

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z