Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

*loses you in a crowd*

finally

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Many hands make light work

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.