Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
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Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Me: Can I have a quickie?
Waitress: Sir, it’s pronounced “quiche”.
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
“She’s dead to me” is not the best ending to a eulogy, I know this now.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.