im a single issue voter and this is my issue
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TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body