im a single issue voter and this is my issue
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Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.