Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.

If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

When it comes to depression, sighs matters

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

always be there

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

*spelling bee*

“Your word is disaster.”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

😏😏😏