im a single issue voter and this is my issue
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.