i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
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Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.