i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
You Might Also Like
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Not messing around
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 馃檪
noah: you did WHAT
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you鈥檝e known chaos.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”