i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
