i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
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Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go