Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

yeah not falling for this one

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-