“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!