“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
New mindset, who dis?
english majors be like furthermore
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”