“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.