Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

Just a friendly reminder!

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.