“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.