Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

*3.5 thank you very much.

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.