I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Trying
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.