I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Camel dough
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
logging onto twitter…
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no