Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
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[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Rum: “Drink me.”
Me: “No, I’ll get a hangover.”
Rum: “Nah, you’ll get funnier and better looking!”
Me: “Really?” *drinks*
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Me: *chopping onions*
Her: Why are you crying?
Me: I used to have a pet onion when I was a kid
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza