I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
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The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
…..pretty much.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
I put the mess in domestic.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*