I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

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me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none


Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.


The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.


[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all


batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?


I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…


Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don’t realize how bad it is for their health…..until I’m choking them


[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now


If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?