@Cheeseboy22

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

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@mrjohndarby

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

@aveuaskew

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

@murrman5

[during ultrasound]
wife: I really thought you were the father
me: how could you do this to me?
wife’s grey and black lover: I told y’all

@TweetsByKaylee

batman: who do I see about this ticket?

cop: oh, I wrote it

batman: who tickets the batmobile!?

cop: you were illegally parked

batman: I was fighting crime!

cop: rules are rules

batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!

cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?

@WilliamRodgers

I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

@Papa_Mex

Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don’t realize how bad it is for their health…..until I’m choking them

@david8hughes

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

@JocMaxedOut

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?