@Cheeseboy22

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

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@FattMernandez

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

@PostCultRev

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

@Reverend_Scott

Rum: “Drink me.”

Me: “No, I’ll get a hangover.”

Rum: “Nah, you’ll get funnier and better looking!”

Me: “Really?” *drinks*

Rum: “Sucker.”

@jctwritesstuff

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

@LambyMcSheeps

Sometimes you need a little distance to see things clearly, but other times it is obviously a bear and you should probably just run

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

@HiddenPinky

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

@brynnester

Me: *chopping onions*
Her: Why are you crying?
Me: I used to have a pet onion when I was a kid

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

@treydayway

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza