Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

Him: “Age is just a number.”

Me: “Technically, age is a word….”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

My neighbors look so happy.

We can fix that.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Me: What’s for dinner?

Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.

Me: What?

*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*

Me: You may have a problem

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

Stacy: Come over!

Me: Okay!

Stacy: My mom isn’t home.

Me: Nevermind.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing