I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
ew if literal: let me be clear
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail