I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”