I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
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My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[shakes fist at other fist]
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
grandparents are too precious for this world
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
the noise i just made
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.