I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
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My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
#growingpains
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted