I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
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It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.