I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’