Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

When libraries troll their patrons.

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.