I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
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I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
what could possibly go wrong?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.