I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
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Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
If you’re a mad scientist, put a note in your laboratory reminding you to sometimes be a happy scientist.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat