Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

Me redecorating every room in my mind

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight

My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

This is a whole mood;

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir