Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???