“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
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No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.