“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
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my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
6: are snakes just neck?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
When you let grandma cat sit
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.