I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
You Might Also Like
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad