I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
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waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
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Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle