Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]

Give that cow a vacuum.

I support this random dude and all his protests

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.