Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.

Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying

[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.