I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
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Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Otters see a butterfly.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches