@weismanjake

I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing

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@HiddenPinky

ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!

@curlycomedy

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

@L8yK8y

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

@ch000ch

OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM

@50FirstTates

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

@daemonic3

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

@ADDiane

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a cow.

Cow: what do I eat?

God: you just can’t get enough grass.

Cow: like a lawnmower?

God: uh sure.

Cow: I guess that makes me a lawnMOOer lol.

God: was that a cow pun?

Cow: yes did you like it : )

God:

Cow:

God: it was udderly adorable : )