@weismanjake

I’m a vegetarian and when people say to me “you know Hitler was also a vegetarian” it always reminds me how many Jews I’ve been killing

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@ClichedOut

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

@UncleDuke1969

[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”

@Try2StopME

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@sofarrsogud

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

@Juicedballs

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@eslpaul

Worst part about going to the dentist is sitting in the waiting room, anticipating, dreading, listening to the poor guy already in there, knowing that you’ll be next to get floss-shamed